Wednesday, March 07, 2007

palma

Remember my mate The Dove who fucked off to London (again) at the end of last year? And I had a poen-wobble?

Well, I received this email from her yesterday:

To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From: thedove@iliveinlondonnow.com


So I'm fucking off to Spain next week to live.
Going to do a Spanish course, work on boats and occasionally in film, paint, write a bit, fetch a croissant each day from the little corner cafĂ© down the pebbled street that I can see from my Romeo & Juliet balcony, and close the shutters on a Sunday when some greasy Spaniard attempts to sing to me on his knees from the road with a rose in his mouth, but then fall in love with his more realistic and better looking friend who will later apologise for his mate’s love-sick delirium.

In short - I'm sick of London so I'm packing up and moving to Palma. On my own.

How are you?

To: thedove@iliveinlondonnow.com
From: peasontoast@gmail.com


Well, well well…and what the fuck???
What happened?

To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From: thedove@iliveinlondonnow.com


Well this is a long story, so bear with me as I will type at a speed of which I am not capable:

It was initially the plan to go there for holiday when friends came over. Work is thin, and I'm not attempting to look for long-term work that I will actually enjoy ‘cos it's low pay, and my travel plans will go down the tubes.

I think one of the final straws amongst a shared fish bowl at Primi Piatti was that I had an interview with [a large investment bank] that would have been quite nice cash. Thinking that I could just do some random temp work, make the money and fuck off to Palma in May.

So, I walk in there in a borrowed suit and high heels, and it is immediately obvious that I am not all that comfortable, and am definitely not the owner of the pin-striped attire, while those dirty white strings sticking out of my handbag are in fact the laces from my high top All Stars that I have just taken off in their bathroom that probably send lazer beams up your arse while you're having a piss to see that you haven't rolled up stolen confidential documents lying on a stray desk.

I'm taken to this room that is honestly one of 800 on one level, and some chick asks me what interests me about the bank and which of their principals I admire and how it's possible to transfer film skills to recruitment skills and why I'm interested in moving from something that sounds so exciting to something that sounds like ‘boring as fuck.’

I’ve done my research, and I now know my shit about the bank, so I rattle off all this bollocks about stock markets and current trends and fixed income, currency and commodities as though I was the granddaughter of, say, Mr Marcus Goldman or Mr Samuel Sachs.

But, the slip up came in – and this is an important one - when the one girl asked me if I had any questions to ask. Hmmm. Here, that is more important than the interview itself- you asking them questions - so, I ask some random crap about something that I’ve kind of got off their website. Then, the next interviewer comes in and asks me what I was told about the position by the prior interviewer. Now I'm fucked ‘cos I haven't been listening to a word that has come out of her mouth, I really didn’t know what I was applying for here. My bad.

They both ask me about five times if I would object to sending the occasional fax and making them Tetley tea.
I’m like: YES YOU FUCKWITS, WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME THE JOB AND THE CASH AND STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN THIS POSITION BECAUSE I'M NOT BUT THAT'S WHERE THE NICE-FITTING SUIT AND YOUR IGNORANCE COUPLED WITH MY ACTING SKILLS COME IN.
Didn't quite say that but that's what I was thinking.

Anyway, I didn't get the job ‘cos they thought it wouldn't be challenging enough - NO SHIT - and I thought well screw this for a ball of bank notes, even if I did get the job, walking into that ant empire everyday, and not being recognised even if I had a sign on my head saying I'M AS GOOD ON THE BANKING FLOOR AS I AM IN BED SO YOU BETTA WATCH OUT YOU FUCKERS WITH THE BIG BONUSES COS I'M COMIN’ TO GET YA' covered in fairy lights and small speakers connected to an iPod that had 'Rape Me' by our dearest and dead Kurt Cobain playing on full blast and repeat.

Um, then, I met this German chick, who lives in Palma, Majorca, as luck would have it. A film director, with serious contacts. And after ten hours of sitting in the most famous arts club in London on Portobello Road drinking fifteen cups of coffee, and smoking 3 boxes of Lucky Strikes, we had both come up with a short film we want to shoot in Palma.
Quick as a flash, I opened my laptop, logged onto ‘Easijet.com’ and typed in my credit card details for the fastest flight outta here.
I won’t be living in a Romeo & Juliet balustrade just yet. I’m actually going to be parking off in a hostel somewhere, but it sure has to be better than this right now.

Wanna come?

PS: If I did happen to get the job at the [investment bank], I’d have put up an anonymous sign at the entrance to the building saying: DO NOT BE FOOLED. THIS IS NOT AN INVESTMENT BANK - ALTHOUGH IT MAY LOOK LIKE IT, AND THE RECEPTIONISTS MAY WELCOME YOU WITH 'WELCOME TO [investment bank name]'. IT IS, IN FACT, A DRUG STORAGE FACILITY, AND ALL THESE PEOPLE CARRYING LARGE WADS OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE LEGAL DOCUMENTS, ARE INFACT CARRYING SHEETS OF ACID.

To: thedove@iliveinlondonnow.com
From: peasontoast@gmail.com


I’d love to. You know I would.
But little problem: I resigned last week after the editor from hell decided to lambchop me with a 'how dare you resign before telling me about it' scenario, where I promptly told her to fuck right off - not really - but with similar sentiment. Why have I resigned? Well in essence, I am sick of writing about ethnic foods and beverages that come in premium packaging. Call me crazy, but I have finite reserves of interest in, say, ginger ale and hot Belgian stew.

And, more importantly, I’m about to start a business with someone. Yip – ME. An E.N.T.R.E.P.R.E.N.E.U.R. That thing, yes, ME! But I’d love to come and stay in the Romeo & Juliet villa for a holiday. Provided you move out the hostel first.

To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From: thedove@iliveinlondonnow.com


Fuckin’ hell. That’s great. So now you’re going to become a corporate company bitch who screams orders over boardroom tables, like “LISTEN HERE, GOLDSTEIN. REMOVE YOUR UGLY MUG FROM MY OFFICE UNTIL YOU GET THAT PRESENTATION TO ME ON THE DOUBLE. And in a whingey voice: “OH, YOUR DOG DIED TODAY?” BOO HOO HOO GOLDSTEIN, DON’T MAKE YOUR PROBLEMS MY PROBLEMS, YOU SCUMBAG, JUST GET THAT PRESENTATION TO ME, AND IF I SEE YOU USING POWERPOINT, I’LL CHOP YOUR GONADS OFF.
POWERPOINT IS FOR WUSSIES, GOLDSTEIN.

PS: I might take a walk along the beach with the Spanish dude I plan on bumping in to on the plane on his way home from directing a movie in LA, and chat about the possibility of me writing his next film, having his children, and parking off in his mansion in the mountains while he fucks off around the world.

To: thedove@iliveinlondonnow.com
From: peasontoast@gmail.com


All that.
And a bag of chips. Although I probably won’t scream at a man called Goldstein.

PS: Graunched anything lately? Or are you passing on the Pommy for the Palmese?




Smoking Legs took me to Orient in Melrose Arch last night for dinner, ‘twas beautiful.

23 comments:

ChewTheCud said...

The Orient? How is that? ;P

(Do you copy paste this shit verbatim or retype everything out? There's definitely been some editing going on) ;P

Hot Pink Flush said...

Ooh, so spain's the hotspot now is it? thats the third person who has relocated there in a year that i heard about...

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - If I pasted it verbatim, then a) her real name would be herein and b) so would the name of the investment bank. So yes, of course I edited it! :)

Hot Pink - apparently it's Spain! I've also heard that's the new South African exodus these days, kicking the shit out of London for a change. :)

ChewTheCud said...

as long as you didn't retype everything ;P

Spain has weather. London stayed home the day they were handing out sunshine.

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - ha ha! I love that description. :)

Anonymous said...

So when do we hear more about this business venture of yours?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - in good time, I promise. :)

jamjar said...

You have some crazy mates!!! Good luck with this new venture, cant wait to find out what the hell it is....

kyknoord said...

You know, it's probably a good thing that she's over there. Having the two of you in the same hemisphere might just cause the earth to shift on its axis.

DaveRich said...

Orient... no Snapper then?
It's in the same group of restaurants as the one I work in. I am at the Melville branch. Glad that you enjoyed it.

Peas on Toast said...

Jamjar - thanks babe! I definitely have some crazy mates. :)

Kyk - most definitely - I miss her soooo much, she's an absolute scream.

Daverich - AHA! Soi, right? Another beautiful restaurant with exquisite food! I ate the phad thai prawn, he had the red duck curry and we had the salmon sushi as starters. Deeeelicious!

Jam said...

I'll be in Spain in April....*sigh*

DaveRich said...

mmm, sounds good. Sick of Thai food everyday myself, but the red curry is my favourite.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I'm helluva excited for you babe, and very jealous. :)

DaveRich - I can imagine. Although, that said, I was in Thailand for a month, and ate phad thai and thom yum goong every single day - it gets addictive. Bet you crave a Wimpy burger every now and then though?
Will look out for you next time I dine at Soi. ;)

DaveRich said...

Coolios, see ya there.

Insane Insomniac said...

Dove wouldn't be needing an assistant, would she???
I'm loving london, but I'm dying for some heat.

johnnyquarterback said...

I spent 4 months in Palma working on sailboats in the sun, living in a romeo and juliette apartment with a balcony that looked over a bustling spanish street in the old town. Mallorca is a beautiful island, Palma a beautiful old city and I have some of the fondest memories of my life from the good times I had there. If you get the chance to visit Peas - GO!

Antoine said...

Best you make sure the new venture has internet connectivity to ensure that P.O.T gets updated for our reading pleasure :)

zuzula said...

you're starting up your own business! OMG, that's amazing. GO YOU!

Lollipop said...

good luck with the whole E.N.T.R.E.P.E.N.U.E.R skit! It takes balls!

Champagne Heathen said...

I like her!!

And I highly recommend parking off for several months in some little town by the Med. Being woed by bizarre European men. ESPECIALLY if it involves croissants from corner bakeries. ...my French experience sounds much like she is about to have!

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - I'll ask her. :)

Johnny - it sounds like HEAVEN. Would love to go for a holiday.

Antoine - always. :)

Zu - I am indeed, with someone who knows what he's doing. Scary and exciting eh? ;)

Lollipop - best I grow some soon! :)

Champs - I love her too and miss her soooooo much!

Champagne Heathen said...

I'm sure you are. As I always just say, Globalisation sucks! But at least it gives you good reason to visit her over there!