Wednesday, April 01, 2009

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What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. In. This. World.
Fuck.

So The Dove and I are flying KLM to Europe right. I get this frigging email yesterday from the company:

From: Anne-Marie Von Bijersgracht [annemarie@royaldutchairlines.nl]
Date: 2009/3/31
Subject: Re: KLM States-General Compliance
To: Peas On Toast [peasontoast@gmail.com]
Cc: Gerhard Nijhuis-CEO-KLM [nijhuis@royaldutchairlines.nl]

Dear Miss O’Toast,

We trust that your experience with Royal Dutch Airlines has been sufficient.

As a result of overbooking, and due to compliance to the States-General Benefits Code (Sect.102, 2008) of the government of the Netherlands, it is in our interest to require from you a statement proving whether you are of historically disadvantaged descent.

This must be completed in order to secure your seat booking. We at Royal Dutch Airlines believe in empowering individuals from Africa, and in line with South Africa’s Black Economic Empowerment legislation, have been in partnership with your government (BEE Act 2003; Code 200 Management & Control) so that in the infrequent occurrence where overbookings occur, we deliver seats to those who;

1) Are from previously disadvantaged backgrounds
2) Comply with the procured groups specifically targeted for this Act

Please fill in and submit the following e-form, along with a certified copy of your identity document, as soon as possible.

1) Of which ethnic group do you belong: _Black _Chinese_Indian_Coloured_None of the above
2) Of which economic LSM do you belong: _1-3_3-5_None of the above
3) How often do you travel abroad? _Never _Once_ None of the above
4) How much do you weigh (kgs)? _50_60_None of the above

Please note that if you checked ‘None of the above’ in any which question, you are no longer enlisted to fly via KLM on this particular flight. We are not liable for reimbursement of funds. Please review our Terms & Conditions if you have further queries.

However, do check our site for further specials, and feel free to book another flight, or if you’re otherwise interested in purchasing a KLM Frequent Flyer card in line with our April specials, for a once-off offer of €599.99!

Reliability in flying,

Anne-Marie Von Bijersgracht
Logistics Manager (EMEA)
+ 31 (0) 1-701-420-6282


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Happy April Fool’s Day, infidels.

Did it work? Were you had? Did you care? Didn’t think so.

FAIL.

But wait! Whether I tricked you or not, that is not part of ze greater plan. Wait until The Dove, who is flying with me, gets this in her inbox this morning.

[cue right: imposing castle, evil gleeful glint in the eye, resounding crash of thunder and lightning strike, pinkie finger at the corner of the mouth, Jack Nicholson in The Shining cackle]

It’s all been calibrated to perfection. Involving a fake email address, ‘cc’ing to the CEO’ and other obligatory logo-gathering admin.
Not much is more fun than a prank, save smoked salmon, good sex and Tokyo, so it is with wine-glass-in-bath I anticipated today with much enthusiasm. Face it: it’s so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.

And I think it would be quite funny if I follow it up with a phonecall. (‘Dude, what the hell is going on, did you get that email from KLM? What the fuck do we do now? Should we lie?’)

I can’t wait. She’s gonna flip her pretty little lid. Throw all her eisbeins out of the cot. Use the word ‘cunt’ colourfully.

It’s going to be beautiful.

33 comments:

paul said...

Brilliant! You should become a 419 scammer.

Peas on Toast said...

paul, so it worked?! Yusssus I'm excited! I just want Dove to read her email already :) teeee heee!

Tay said...

Hee hee, fantastic! Looking foward to reading about Dove's reaction!

Peas on Toast said...

Tay - I'm so excited as well - am sitting here waiting for her to come online and check her bloody email - am on a roll, we have a few pranks in store for the office as well :)

Tay said...

Well you certainly caught me. I was sitting with my mouth wide open shaking my head...

It would have been my parents 28th wedding anniversary today. Of all the days to get married....

Peas on Toast said...

Tay - are they divorced now? (I asked because you said 'would've')..

Tay said...

Yup! Marriage was doomed from the beginning!

Peas on Toast said...

Hectic Tay! I suppose the universe looked at it as a non-lasting prank :(
But hey, my parents got married 7 April, and it would've been their 30th anniversary...holy shitballs... and it didn't last either :(

Tay said...

Seems to be an April thing in general - the whole month is a pooper! 30 years, that's crazy! *breaks out in a sweat at thought of own wedding in 5 months*

po said...

Waha, well you knd of got me, not that it takes much. Although I did think it was a hoax email.

Thanks for the warning, I forgo it was April fools.

Peas on Toast said...

Tay - no miss, I'm super excited for you! Always remember this (it's a good stastic) - out of all my close friends, only me and one other set of parents are divorced. (From the top of my head). So that beats the odds! ;)

Po - haha, well head's up babe, I'm just dying for Dove to get out of bed already and get onto her email! eeeeeek!

Tay said...

Thanks Peas! That is reassuring!

Nessers said...

You are a special kind of evil heheh. I was about to shout it out throught the office and was so disgusted by KLM that I wanted to write someone a very mean letter - heheh - wicked girl Peas

Peas on Toast said...

Classic Nessers! Why don't you send it around the office and say 'if anyone is travelling via KLM be aware of the new legislation' or something. Do it! DO. IT. See what comes back!

Miss T said...

brilliant...i was starting to rant away here at my desk before i got to the end!

Peas on Toast said...

Miss T - 'I cannot believe they'd go this far!'

Dove uis nowhere to be found. Not online, not on phone, not on work. I'm stressing. Do you think she's playing me?
;)

Peas on Toast said...

Guys I got her. Hook, line and sinker. It was poetry.

:)

PS: I love you my girl. What a sport! :)

Tay said...

Hee hee, evil Peas strikes again! Well Done!

Kobra said...

Beeyooteafool! Details, please!

Peas on Toast said...

tAY - HONESTLY THE SATISFACTION i FEEL IS LIKE i'D IMAGINE IT WOULD BE AFTER BEDDING jAKE gYLENHAAL.

Kobra - that's tomorrow's story :)

dove said...

ok. cock sucker. now that the whole fuckin travel agency is pissing in their pants at my expense, after me calling them and asking why the 'FUCK this wasn't in the terms and conditions', I have resigned myself to the truth. You are a fuckin genius. And a cunt.

Peas on Toast said...

I love you back cunt. How well do I know you?? I knew the first words that would come out of your mouth would be 'cunt.' KNEW. IT.

Tay said...

*wipes tears of laughter* CLASSIC!!

Peas on Toast said...

:) I must say I've been laughing all morning! :)

Nessers said...

Is Dove Scotish? I am - Cunt is really only a word I and other scotish women use not heard many other nationalities using it hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - nah she's of...British descent...but cunt is one of our favourite favourites :)

kyknoord said...

She knows where you sleep. I'm just sayin'...

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - I have a cage around my bed, luckily.

;)

frozen-heart said...

well april is a kak month i have to agree, little did i know when i signed that registry book on the 18th of '96 it would mark my years of celibacy to be .. my poor poor cunt! oh what the fool was meeee! boo hoo! i too wanted divorced but he cheated me out of it and died instead ... yep! cunt!
forgive me peas and peeps, i have my cynical head on today, could just be me who is the fool eh...

myself aside, good trick this peas, canno believe dove fell for it but then in that lays the piss your punts funniness !

i woke this morning with my son, standing evil, grinning like a grinny thing next to my bed my finger dangling in a glass of water ... yep i fell for it ! lifted the duvet kinda imagining that warm feeling to the peel of his laughter shouting 'MOMMY you silly APril fool!'
Neat trick JD (",) hee hee

tonight we are out to have april fool burgers @ de houtkapper local ... praps it will be buns and garnish and no patti ...

Peas on Toast said...

FROZEN - HANG HANG HANG ON - HOLD THE PHONE, YOUR SON MADE YOU PEE?? IN YOUR BED???

You have to clarify before I go further!! Tell!

frozen-heart said...

sheesh now i am really giggling here! NOOOOO it was me 'thinking' i had, that was the neat trick. i mean let's get things straight here, i am no morning person so the imagined wet warmth kinda felt real. just this weekend we were telling around the braai stories of veld-school camps where pranks are played, detailing just this exact bed-peeing one much to my bugaloo's eager ears ... he already had this one planned, setting his cellphone alarm and all. waking me before my usual rise and shine him. sweet mary on a goat i never even felt when he stirred my hand in set up of soaking my finger ...

good thing i had my plastic underoos on ... like in case ;)

quartercenturycrisis said...

Peas that is honestly the best April Fool's joke I've heard. Throughout the mail I was thinking "what. the. FUCK." Even the weight bit didn't raise alarm bells. 11 out of 10!!

Peas on Toast said...

frozen - ah ok! That's a relief! hahahahahaha, good one :)

quarter - thanks so much! :) I must say I thought the wieght thing would be pushing it too far and raise alarm bells....but even Dove didn't blink an eye. Can't beleive it!