Tuesday, October 26, 2010

casual observations on three countries*


SA: A plate full of meat, preferably cooked by naked flames.
UK: A plate full of meat. Roasted.
US: A plate full of meat, fried potatoes, extra guacamole, eight pounds of ham, a waffle drizzled in maple syrup, and a side of quesadillas with hot sauce and pecorino cheese.

SA: How is it?
UK: Are you well?
US: How ARE you! I’m doing GOOD! Thanks for ASKING!

SA: Separated black people and white people; labeled it ‘apartheid.’
UK: Colonised the world, create an empire, then withdrew from all the colonies leaving chaos behind
US: Separated native Indian people from white people and labeled it ‘reserves’.

SA: Huge travelers, visit another continent in their lifetime
UK: Varying travelers, will definitely visit France at least twice in their lives (the first visit will be a school trip)
US: Don’t usually leave their state. If they do, it’s a ‘big fuckin’ deal.’

SA: Has a good balance of smiling and scowling, almost always dependent on whether someone is being a dick. (Smile first, is he a dick? Yes. Now scowl.)
UK: Scowl. Because lots of people are dicks [on the tube.] Smile when pleasantly surprised when they’re not.
US: Smile really really widely All. The. Time, until your teeth get dry from lack of salivation and your cheeks get cramped. If someone is a dick, just keep smiling through gritted teeth.
(France: Shrug. Breathe air out of pursed lips, face hands upwards. Everyone eez always a deeck, een fact I invented ze word ‘deeck.’)

SA: Better go for a jog this week, feeling a bit fat.
UK: I’ll wear a micro-skirt that accentuates my bulges, rolls are super trendy at the minute.
US: I don’t move. I eat.

SA: I don’t know if my car is expensive and luxurious enough. My friends drive Audi’s/BMW’s and I need to keep up, even if I’m not an investment banker.
UK: I’m 27 and don’t have a driver’s license. Should I get one?
US (MidWest): I don’t know if my car consumes enough petrol. The tank is only a 65 litre engine and it’s only a quadruple cab with a motor home on the top.
US (West Coast): Hey! Gay boy! Stop rubbing yourself up against my Hybrid! Oh wait, sorry girlfriend, that’s YOUR Hybrid. Man, all Toyota Prius’ look the same.
US (New York): Look dawg, you can take my car but I’m keeping my cell phone.

SA: I’ll confront you wiff my fist. But only after I’ve klapped a bottle of cane.
UK: Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make eye contact. That kid has a knife.
US: You’re talking to WHO? Come and say that over HERE n%gga, I’m gonna Fuck. You. Up.

SA: My Ouma lives in Pofadder
UK: My Nan lives in Norton Radstock
US: My granma and grandpappy live in Okeefenokee.

SA: Hey check out the latest Nokia, it has a colour screen!
UK: Hey check out the latest HD television screen with interactive gaming function, and they throw in a free touch screen Nexus for only 100 quid.
US: I was thinking of getting that chip in my arm, it’s free if you live in The Valley.

* Nope. No disclaimers. Don't care.

11 comments:

po said...

Heeheheheh love it. Never been to the US but I can imagine it all.

kittykat said...

when you put it like that, south african's are actually pretty cool. definitly don't want to be american, although i think it's probably really neat to visit (for a short while)

Peas on Toast said...

po -...and worse :) Yet it's still such a fun place, and the people are always polite and gracious, wel...most of the time :)

Kitty - 'Real neat' indeed - they'd love that! I'm the same, not helluva sure I could stay there long long term, but visiting is definitely fun!

Art Jeweller said...

Peas, You hit the nail smack bang.
I really think it's time for another book.
I deal a lot with Yanks and they are just as you describe!
Love it...

Roxy said...

Brilliant.
I loughed out loud.
Been to the US several times, lived in UK for alm ost 7 years, sadly never been to SA... yet... hopefully.

Peas on Toast said...

Art - you've given me a source of inspiration. Perhaps my next book should be about stereotypes. Do you think I'll get death threats though? ;)

Roxy - It's high time you did a trip out there :)
Am glad the other two resonated with you though, someone who at least has spent an ample amount of time in the US and UK :)

meganstow said...

oh lordy this post made me lol.

hit the nail right on the head!!

Peas on Toast said...

megan - lordy yay!

Che said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Che said...

hahaha. i once went to Disneyland in Florida. Lady points to stone carved Rhinoceros and says to son "WOW! look at the Dinosaurs!"

Peas on Toast said...

Che - perfect. I wouldn't expect anything less :)

God bless America!